Reality

My life was spinning round and round

my demons consumed my mind

I couldn’t tell you right from wrong

there was no peace that I could find.

The bottle gave me what I was missing

I depended on it more and more

I couldn’t see, in reality

it was cutting me to the core.

I lived in complete darkness

there was no light that I could see

I just sat there with my bottle

yearning to be free.

There was no peace inside me

but my bottle filled that hole

what I didn’t realize at the time

the bottle was taking my soul.

It disguised itself as my savior

it disguised itself as my friend

I couldn’t see with my blinders on

that it was nearing me to the end.

It guided me through the rough times

it helped me not to feel

It allowed me  to believe

the life I had was real.

It was a master of deception

I had one foot in the grave

There isn’t a day that I don’t thank God

there was enough of me left to save.

My disease no longer guides me

Where there was darkness I found the light

I finally put the bottle down

and decided my life was worth the fight.

Four years have passed since I put it down

and I have rediscovered “me”

I now have a life I’m proud of

and for once I’m finally free.

7/16/14 Written by:  AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist.

Alcohol worked for me for many many many years. It gave me Strength when I needed it, it gave me confidence when I needed it and it gave me courage.  It enabled me to be social and allowed me not to feel pain. For me, alcohol was the answer to absolutely everything. It made me feel invincible and the more I drank, the more I felt like I could conquer the world.  That’s the way it is with us. It paints these pretty pictures in our brains that only we can see and it’s the total opposite of the way things actually are. We see life through rose colored glasses and when we finally take them off, we see the destruction our drinking has caused.

I became a parent who was more about partying than parenting, I became a  manipulator, a person full of false pride and egotism. I became the opposite of everything I thought I was. Towards the end, I didn’t want to look in the mirror anymore and I began to drink to forget. It was easier for me to remain in the fantasy land that I’d built rather than face reality. With every morning that I woke up not remembering the night before, I’d swear I’d never do it again. Only to go right back to my actions as soon as the sun went down.  When people started to confront me about my actions, they didn’t do it in an abrupt manner, it was more of a “Oh my God, do  you know what you did last night? Maybe you need to cut down” kind of way. I’d laugh it off or get defensive.  All alcoholics and addicts  live in denial, but in my personal opinion, it’s us binge drinkers who find it easiest. We don’t drink every day and that confirms  it in our twisted brains that there isn’t a problem. At least that’s the way it was for me.  It was usually the first words that came out of my mouth when I would get defensive. I would argue with such conviction that I didn’t have a problem and that everyone was just exaggerating.  The truth of the matter is, the more power we put into fighting it, the more power we give the disease.

You know, I learned that there’s nothing embarrassing about admitting you’re an alcoholic or an addict…there’s nothing embarrassing about admitting you need help.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak either.  Some people maintain their anonymity  for reasons like their job etc…but I’m in a position where I can choose not to maintain mine. I choose to share my stories, my strength and my hope with others in order to show them that ANYONE can get sober and live a happy life. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to write these blogs, co-host the radio show, teach other alcoholics and addicts, I was honored to win a title of a lifetime as well.  But most of all, sobriety has given me a LIFE that I never knew existed.  Even when life happens and puts road bumps in my way, I’m at peace and I have my serenity.  Today my life is manageable

July 17, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist