What are you afraid of?
Fear is an alcoholic and addicts BIGGEST downfall. Fear of rejection, fear of facing reality, fear of letting people see our inner selves, fear of change….the list can go on and on. Truth is, we have nothing to fear, but fear itself. Our disease is fully aware of this fact which is why it keeps us there. Although it’s impossible for us to see it while in the mist of our addiction, we’re actually full of fear. Our disease disguises fear with false pride, egotism, false strength. It convinces us that we are invincible. The bottle or the drug becomes our strength, our hope, our everything. As long as we had it, we could conquer anything. All the while, it was sinking us lower and lower. We don’t like change…in reality, we’re terrified of it but we won’t admit it. Our disease doesn’t like change either, it wants to maintain it’s control over us. It keeps us on a hamster wheel that just keeps turning and turning but goes nowhere.
Most of the time, the things we fear are not nearly as bad as we perceive them to be. In fact, they usually end up to be a lot easier to deal with. Once we face our fears, our disease begins to loose it’s hold on us and we begin to heal. I created a false persona to be the person I wanted people to see, not the person that I actually was. I lived that lie for so very long that it became real to me and I got caught up in my own bull sh…. I’d pretended and lied about myself for so long I had no idea who I was when I began my recovery which terrified me more. However, I had gotten to the point where the pain of today was worse than the fear of tomorrow and I pushed forward. I’ve since then dealt with my demons and have learned a healthy way to deal with my fears. I can not deal with them the way I used to, if I do, I will surely die, that goes without a doubt.. I look at my disease as being in remission. There is no cure, but it no longer has complete control of me. My recovery and the recovery process is like my meds, as long as I keep taking those meds, I will stay in remission. Today I have “healthy” fears. My biggest one being fear of becoming the person I once was. Fear of dieing an alcoholic death. I don’t fear the unknown, I don’t fear the thoughts of others, I don’t fear failure. As long as I do the very best I can today, it’s good enough. I’ll think about tomorrow….tomorrow.
I’ve gotten off the hamster wheel and I now walk free. I don’t let fear or my disease run my life anymore. I don’t see life in black and white anymore, I now see life in full blown color. I know I must make all of this sound so very easy, it’s not, but if you’re WILLING and READY than it makes it a lot easier. The way to conquer your fears and stop relying on the bottle to deal with them is by getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. All the bottle or the drug is going to do for you in the long run is kill you. If you are still in the denial phase that you can handle it because you’re different than everyone else, it will only be a matter of time before you’ll realize how very wrong you are. The biggest fear is admitting that we have a problem. Conquering that fear is the first step to a full recovery and a manageable and happy life. What do you have to lose?
July 15, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist