My life was spinning round and round
my demons consumed my mind
I couldn’t tell you right from wrong
there was no peace that I could find.
The bottle gave me what I was missing
I depended on it more and more
I couldn’t see, in reality
it was cutting me to the core.
I lived in complete darkness
there was no light that I could see
I just sat there with my bottle
yearning to be free.
There was no peace inside me
but my bottle filled that hole
what I didn’t realize at the time
the bottle was taking my soul.
It disguised itself as my savior
it disguised itself as my friend
I couldn’t see with my blinders on
that it was nearing me to the end.
It guided me through the rough times
it helped me not to feel
It allowed me to believe
the life I had was real.
It was a master of deception
I had one foot in the grave
There isn’t a day that I don’t thank God
there was enough of me left to save.
My disease no longer guides me
Where there was darkness I found the light
I finally put the bottle down
and decided my life was worth the fight.
Four years have passed since I put it down
and I have rediscovered “me”
I now have a life I’m proud of
and for once I’m finally free.
7/16/14 Written by: AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist.
Alcohol worked for me for many many many years. It gave me Strength when I needed it, it gave me confidence when I needed it and it gave me courage. It enabled me to be social and allowed me not to feel pain. For me, alcohol was the answer to absolutely everything. It made me feel invincible and the more I drank, the more I felt like I could conquer the world. That’s the way it is with us. It paints these pretty pictures in our brains that only we can see and it’s the total opposite of the way things actually are. We see life through rose colored glasses and when we finally take them off, we see the destruction our drinking has caused.
I became a parent who was more about partying than parenting, I became a manipulator, a person full of false pride and egotism. I became the opposite of everything I thought I was. Towards the end, I didn’t want to look in the mirror anymore and I began to drink to forget. It was easier for me to remain in the fantasy land that I’d built rather than face reality. With every morning that I woke up not remembering the night before, I’d swear I’d never do it again. Only to go right back to my actions as soon as the sun went down. When people started to confront me about my actions, they didn’t do it in an abrupt manner, it was more of a “Oh my God, do you know what you did last night? Maybe you need to cut down” kind of way. I’d laugh it off or get defensive. All alcoholics and addicts live in denial, but in my personal opinion, it’s us binge drinkers who find it easiest. We don’t drink every day and that confirms it in our twisted brains that there isn’t a problem. At least that’s the way it was for me. It was usually the first words that came out of my mouth when I would get defensive. I would argue with such conviction that I didn’t have a problem and that everyone was just exaggerating. The truth of the matter is, the more power we put into fighting it, the more power we give the disease.
You know, I learned that there’s nothing embarrassing about admitting you’re an alcoholic or an addict…there’s nothing embarrassing about admitting you need help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak either. Some people maintain their anonymity for reasons like their job etc…but I’m in a position where I can choose not to maintain mine. I choose to share my stories, my strength and my hope with others in order to show them that ANYONE can get sober and live a happy life. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to write these blogs, co-host the radio show, teach other alcoholics and addicts, I was honored to win a title of a lifetime as well. But most of all, sobriety has given me a LIFE that I never knew existed. Even when life happens and puts road bumps in my way, I’m at peace and I have my serenity. Today my life is manageable
July 17, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist