I drank to remember, I drank to forget. I drank to socialize, I drank to feel numb. I drank for courage, and I drank out of fear. I could find many many many reasons to drink, but I could not find a reason not to drink. Even when I wasn’t drinking, it wasn’t far from my mind. I was trapped. It was my false sense of security on so many levels. As out of control as I was, how the hell did I not see any of it? It was clear as the light of day, yet I was trapped in the darkness of it all. THAT’S the insanity of it all, it sneaks up on you ever so gradually and before you know it, it’s got you!
You’re living in the day to day world, yet you’re locked up in your own mind. It has you stuck running around in this vicious circle with no end in sight. You can be in a room full of people yet feel completely alone. No body understands, although that’s what you’ve convinced yourself it may not necessarily true. The bottle calls to you and tells you that everything is going to be okay and that you don’t need anything else. You find yourself stuck in a dark place, with no light in sight. THAT’S what alcoholism and addiction does to you.
I truly believe that my being a binge drinker prolonged my life. Had I drank the way I was drinking on a daily basis, I surely would have died a long time ago. I have no doubt in my mind. I allowed myself to stay trapped and in denial for so long, that I literally had no clue what was real and what was conjured in my own brain. If you can relate to ANYTHING I’ve said thusfar, than you may want to seriously start to think about what you’re doing and what can be done about it.
People put he words “Shame and Addiction” in the same category. There is NO shame in being an alcoholic or an addict. It’s a disease, it doesn’t mean that we are bad people. The same comes when we continue to live in that manor and allow fear and denial to decide how we should live.. You can’t fix, what you refuse to acknowledge. There IS a life beyond the bottle. A live you can’t even imagine while your brain is drowning in the booze or the drugs. Millions of people have not only managed to get clean and sober, they have managed to live happy, productive lives. We can’t all be wrong.
I was doubtful, angry and resentful in the beginning but at the same time, I’d become desperate enough to become willing. Pain is an amazing motivator. There are many different methods of getting clean and sober. All you have to do is be willing. Then pick a method that works for you, stick to it and keep an open mind. You must open your mind to new possibilities rather than stay trapped and continue on the path that you’re on. The hardest part is admitting you have a problem,
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist.