Trapped in the fog…

AJchair

I teach my students and the ones I sponsor to journal in order to get out of their heads. I never ask them to do anything that I have not done or I’m not willing to do myself. That being said, this is just a blog to get me out of my own head for awhile because I need to.

As I get closer and closer to my five year mark of sobriety, I find myself suddenly struggling. Thank God I have not gotten any urges to drink and doing so is the furthest thing from my mind, but I still find myself feeling…….”trapped” for lack of a better word. Everything I’m feeling is very dangerous to an alcoholic or an addict. Although I don’t have any desire to pick up a bottle, the possibility is always there. I’m not exempt from shit hitting the fan. I’ve tried very hard to be strong and positive for the past almost five years, I’ve done my best to not only talk the talk but walk the walk as well. For whatever reason, I don’t feel strong or positive. I have some days when I just don’t care and I hate it. I lived in negativity for way too long to go back, yet I feel like I’m having a tug of war with myself. Don’t misunderstand me, I have NO intentions on giving up the fight, I’ve come way to far for that, I’ve just hit a huge pot hole.

All the discrimination going on all over the country with all these dumb ass laws they are trying to pass has me going bat shit crazy in my head. My method of recovery has taught me not to stress over things I can’t control, however I can’t help but get twisted up over it all. As a result of those situations, I find myself struggling not to loose my faith. Faith in others, faith that things will get better, faith in myself, faith in general It’s my faith that has kept me strong thus far and I can’t afford to loose it. I’ve also been going through sudden and powerful mood swings. Depression, anger, anxiety that hit me out of nowhere. When I’m out of the house, I’m fine and somewhat normal, but once I’m home, I don’t want to be bothered with anyone for any reason. I have to force myself to talk to those I sponsor lately and that disturbs me a great deal. Is it menopause? Is it my Graves Disease? Do my meds need to be increased? A combination of all of the above? Who knows. I DO know that I see some changes in my future that aren’t bad yet they scare the hell out of me which isn’t helping me any. “We” (alcoholics) don’t do change well, but I’ve accepted the fact that it’s a part of life. I keep telling myself that “This too shall pass” as I patiently wait for it to. Every morning I wake up hoping that I’ll feel differently, and when I don’t it sinks me deeper.

Unfortunately, I can’t pin point the problem, therefore I can’t face it head on and move forward. That in and of itself is driving me to the brinks of insanity. I’m not a quitter, I struggled with my disease for many years until it finally kicked my ass. If nothing else, I’m a fighter, I fought with my sobriety in the very beginning but I did it. At this point it’s not a fight to keep my sobriety but if it gets to that point, I intend to fight to keep it intact as well. I like the person my sobriety has turned me into, I like “living” my life rather than just existing in it. I don’t like this dark place I’m finding myself in. I may need to take it back to the basics and start from scratch. Concentrate on “me” and stop trying to save the world one person at a time.

They say that in recovery, after a certain amount of time, “Life” takes over and we get so involved in living it, we forget how we got here to begin with.

depression

When I read this, it made so much sense to me it shook me to the core. I can’t say for sure that’s what the problem is in my case, I do have a lot of medical issues that may be the cause of it all, but the reality is I have been strong for so long I’m wearing myself thin and I’m sure that doesn’t help. My sobriety means everything to me, truth is, if I lose it, I die there is no gray area in between. I know for sure that I have another relapse in me somewhere, what I don’t have, is another recovery. I will surely drink myself to death if I go back out. This little Latin Boi ain’t tryin to have any part of that.

I’ve no doubt that I WILL find my footing, I just need to get my brain in sync with my will. This too shall pass, one day at a time”

AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist

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