I’ve actually been writing about my journey in sobriety since the very beginning so I’ve gone back a little into my “archives” This was written January 14, 2014
My drinking career could best be described as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In fact, it would be an understatement.
Completely sober, I can be a fun-loving down to earth person.
Give me a drink, I turn into a belligerent, loud uncaring individual.
Completely sober, I am caring by nature
Give me a drink, I care about nothing and no one but myself.
Completely sober, I have the ability to think before I do
Give me a drink, I have absolutely no filter and care not who I hurt.
Completely sober, I try to put others needs and feelings before my own
Give me a drink, and I become a user, a manipulator, a liar and a walking tornado, destroying everything in its path.
Completely sober, I try to do the next right thing even when it seems impossible
Give me a drink, and if it doesn’t benefit me, I can’t be bothered.
Completely sober, I have a sense of self-respect and self-worth.
Give me a drink, and that all disappears.
Completely sober, I not only realize but I acknowledge my faults and have no problem admitting them.
Give me a drink,and my faults turn into something I have none of. I’m never wrong, I do no wrong, everyone else around me is wrong.
Completely sober,I try to maintain my sense of humility.
Give me a drink and humility doesn’t exist. I’m above all, I know all, I’ve done all in all is beneath me.
Like with Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, all it takes is just one drink to start the process. All it takes is that first drink and the monster immediately rises to the surface. All it takes is that first drink to turn me completely around and become that hateful, pain causing, careless person.
I was fortunate enough to get to “see” my Mr. Hyde with my very own eyes. He was distorted, he was swollen from the alcohol consumption & he couldn’t hold himself up in a sitting position. I saw with my own eyes the pain he caused to others, the kind of pain that is thoughtless and evil. The kind of pain not even your biggest enemy deserves. I got to see with my very own eyes the damage I was causing not only to myself, but to all those around me. Yes, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to “see” my Mr. Hyde. Had I not, I would still be swimming in denial and self loathing.
I have to acknowledge that “Mr. Hyde” will always be deep within me, waiting to be released. Then I have to realize that as long as I stay away from that very first drink and do what I need to do, I can keep him at bay forever.
My Mr. Hyde has become a teacher rather than a tool of destruction. If I remember how I was, learn from it and stay away from that first drink, I don’t ever have to go back to being there or that person again. I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt or the damage I’ve caused, but I need to remember it in detail in order for me to learn from it. I don’t drown myself in guilt or shame, there’s nothing I can do to fix or change the past. But I can hold onto it in order to ensure history doesn’t repeat itself.
Don’t get it twisted, I am still very capable of being a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, my Mr. Hyde does still exist. However comma…. I’m doing what I need to do in order to ensure my Mr. Hyde remains in his cage, never to be let out again.
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist