What is “Destructive Behavior?”
Speaking as a “professional” alcoholic (LOL) I can tell you that what a “normal” person may deem as destructive behavior is definitely NOT what we believe it to be. We become walking tornadoes; destroying everything and every one in our path.
I did not consider the following to be “Destructive behavior”
- Getting so drunk I’d pass out whenever my body decided to give in
- Driving while I was drunk.
- Putting my drinking and partying before the needs of my child.
- Drinking WHILE I was driving.
- Trying to throw my child out of a window.
- Not remembering my wedding night.
- Embarrassing my family and loved ones with my behavior.
- Lieing, manipulating, cheating.
- Ruining both my professional and personal reputation.
- Drinking more alcohol than my body could handle.
- Drinking to the points of black outs.
- Treating people like shit just because it made me feel better.
OMG the list can go on and on. At NO time while all that madness was going on did I ever see any of my actions as “Destructive.” In my way of thinking, destructive meant there was gonna be hell to pay if I didn’t get what I wanted, when I wanted it. All was right with the world as long as I was happy.
The sad part is, it’s not that we don’t care, we truly don’t see a problem with our behavior. We truly believe it to be “normal” We justify our behavior no matter how bad it is and we believe it to be fact. Addiction is a very powerful thing, it not only takes over our bodies, it takes over our brains. It’s like that little angel and devil that sits on your shoulders. The angel is the voice of reason, and the little devil is the voice of alcoholism. Without treatment, that little devil will consume us every single time. Until such time that we actually get sober, we will justify our actions and believe our own bullshit.
Our drinking isn’t the problem. Drinking is the solution to our problems. Once we handle the real issues and follow some kind of recovery, our obsession for the drink no longer exists. Until that time, we continue to live in our own worlds where destruction is what becomes normal to us.
Looking back, I look at the stupid and at times dangerous situations my drinking had gotten me into. Now thinking with a clear and sober mind, I see it for exactly what it is, not what I perceived it to be. I was not only destructive to others, I was destructive to myself . For well over twenty years I continued this behavior. Even through the momentary moments of clarity, it wasn’t enough for me face things for what they actually were. Destructive behavior followed me everywhere I went. It went hand in hand with the bottle. The two were like twins and separating the two was nearly impossible for me to do for a great many years. We live in denial trying to hide our sense of self loathing, our pain, our agony and our madness. In reality we’re lead by fear; fear of change, fear of staying sober, fear of the unknown.
Destructible behavior? That word did not live in my vocabulary. We have no sense of cognitive thought when the alcohol takes over. That’s fact.
October 8, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist