The good, the bad & the ugly….Yup Life still happens…
In the beginning, being sober seemed like a chore. Something I HAD to do every day. As time went on, it became not only something that was second nature to me, but it became something I WANTED in my life. Even the parts of it I didn’t necessarily like in the beginning. I actually called up my sponsor one day and said “If I promise not to hit the bottle, can I PLEASE punch this chick in the face, she really does deserve it?” Of course, he said. “No” and I got pissed off when he did but after thinking about it, I realized it was a dumb ass question and exactly why that was not a good idea…LOL
Life still happens, people still disappoint me IF I let them and I still get angry. HOWEVER COMMA….even with all that going on, I find myself at peace most of the time. I no longer walk around full of anger and resentment, I’ve learned (with a lot of work) how to let things go and with even more work, I’ve come to accept that what other people think of me is none of my business. Am I a bouncing ray of sunshine 24/7? Hell no! I have however learned not to let things eat my lunch the way they used to. Acceptance is the key. I’ve learned to accept people for who they are and how they are rather than expect them to be what I want them to be.
About a year ago, I received an email from a very miserable nasty individual. His whole purpose for writing me, was to try to bait me. Had I still thought the way I used to, he would have succeeded. He started his email with
“Hello Baby Killer” (He knew I had a daughter who died, but didn’t know the circumstances behind her death, therefore he was just trying to get my goat) Further down in his email, he proceeded to tell me that I have all of Jacksonville snowballed. While I was home, I was sober, but whenever I went out of town, I got drunk as hell. Therefore I was full of shit when it came to my recovery and how long I’ve actually been sober.
Now, had he wrote those things back in the day, hitting the roof would be an understatement. However comma…I recognized him for the person that he is and the sadness of it all. Don’t get me wrong, at first I did start to boil, but the puffer fish in me allowed me to deflate. I did respond and it went something like this…..Type, type type type…..(think about it….) delete delete……type type type type type…..(think about it….) delete delete delete. LOL I informed him that IF I could control my drinking in that manor, I would never have quit. Anyone who knows a real alcoholic KNOWS that once they start, they can’t stop. I also made it very clear to him that if he wanted to talk about me and my past, he was more than welcome to do so because those who truly know me and how I was back then, will instantly know that I’m not that person anymore. I don’t live in my past anymore. As for the baby comment, I didn’t even address that because it would have been pointless and a waste of time. I knew he was trying to get to me, and if I let him, that would mean he won.
Now would I have done that four years ago?????? I think not! In my recovery, I’ve realized that people are still going to talk. The phrase Misery loves company comes to mind. If I allow someone to get under my skin, it means that there is some truth to their words. In that case, it’s for me to work on, not for me to get pissed off over. Living sober does NOT mean we have the key to a perfect life. It means we have to tools to deal with life on life’s terms. Have I become as pure as the driven snow? Hell to the no! I’m still a work in progress and I always will be. IF I continue to TRY on a daily basis to do the next right thing, then that’s the best I can do. I still make mistakes, I am human after all. But my mistakes are not as Earth shattering as they used to be. I have to begin with always remembering that I will accomplish absolutely NOTHING if I take that first drink. I have to remember that I’m NOT going to find the answers in the bottom of a bottle. As long as I keep that close to my heart, there isn’t anything I can’t handle.
I have dealt with a total of four deaths in my sobriety and have managed to maintain it without thinking twice about it. I’ve gone through other traumatizing situations in my sobriety that normally would have sent me over the edge and landed me in the bottom of a bottle but thank God I didn’t. The skies do not open up, and the angles do not start to sing just because we pulled out heads out of our asses and got sober. We must put our grown up pants on and deal with what ever comes at us just like everyone else. We never did that in the mist of our addictions, so we have to learn how to do it in sobriety. It’s not always easy, but it IS possible.
You’re still gonna have money problems, you’re still gonna have employment issues, unexpected situations in life that are gonna hit you from what seems like every direction. In sobriety, you CAN deal with them in a manor that you will not feel closed in and helpless. As always, the choice is always yours.
September 30, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist.