Strange Experience to say the least……
I went to the store at seven o’clock this morning for smokes. The store was full of people getting their morning coffee, getting things for lunch and ready to start their day. There was one man who caught my attention of all the people who were in the store. He was in front of me in line and in his hand he held an ice cold can of Colt 45. For whatever reason, my stomach suddenly began to spin. I physically felt sick. Not necessarily because of the beer, but because of the memories that flooded my brain all at once. I remembered being in the after hour clubs drinking and getting high till 2 in the afternoon after being there all night / day. Suddenly I remembered the swollen noses the sinus headaches from all the cocaine I’d done, I remembered how the day light hurt my eyes and how my head was spinning from all the alcohol I’d consumed. These were more than just memories in my head, they were physical memories. I actually felt those feelings again, I tasted the alcohol in the back of my throat. I was having what was known as a “drunk dream” but I was wide awake. Drunk Dreams are not unusual for an alcoholic, I’ve had my share of them over the years. I’m quite sure that I’m not the only one to experience this particular kind of thing either. However comma….it was new to me. It didn’t freak me out, but it did hit me like a ton of bricks at first. It didn’t give me the urge to drink either, in fact, quite the opposite…LOL I remembered how very sick I used to get after a night of binging and how easily I would justify it or not think about it at all. Looking back, I can see how very insane I was! How could I put my body through all that? What was I thinking??? Oh wait! I wasn’t! LOL My demons led me around on a leash and convinced me that I didn’t have a problem at all. I lived in my own reality rather than the actual reality that was before me. I lived in “AJ’s” world and in that world, nothing else mattered. I believed myself to always be the victim. I used to tell people I was a product of what life made me and I believed that right down to my very core. I hadn’t realized that the sand box in my brain that I always played in had turned into a litter box full of shit. (Funny but true..LOL)
As extremely strange as this experience was for me, and as hard as it was for me not to toss my cookies all over this man in front of me, what I took from the experience was a good thing. As I said in a previous post, remembering my insanity is a very important thing. However comma….I think the actual “physical” aspects of it were a bit much! LMAO I don’t miss the hangovers, the sinus headaches, the twisted up stomach or the migraines from walking into direct sun light after getting tossed all night. I remember all too well what those felt like and could have gone without the physical reminder. I’m assuming my Higher Power has jokes today. Luckily for me, once I was out of the store and back in the truck, I took a deep breath and it all began to subside. Of course, once I got home I called my sponsor. He wasn’t available so I left a message. Usually, he irritates the hell out of me (mainly because he’s almost always right..LOL) but I have to admit I’m curious as to what he’s gonna have to say about this one.
Another thing that came to mind as a result of this experience was an extreme amount of gratitude for my sobriety. I am sooooooo glad that I never have to feel like that again for real. I am sooooooo glad I’ve pulled myself out of that hole. I am sooooooooo glad I have come to believe in a power greater than myself and knowing that today I have a choice. I can think for myself today and am no longer guided by a bottle to get through life. I’m grateful that today I am actually living life and no longer just existing. The experience made me realize all too clear of the changes that have happened in my life since I gave it all up. Even though shit still happens, I’ve become stronger, clear headed, humble, considerate, responsible and I can look in the mirror today without being disgusted at the reflection looking back at me. I may not have reached where I want to be, but I’m far from where I used to be and that in itself says a whole lot. I’m okay with not being perfect, I’m okay with not wanting to be the center of attention and I’m okay with leaving “AJ’s world” far behind me.
My progress did NOT happen overnight, but it continues to happen. One day at a time. I may not be able to succeed as much as I possibly could on any given day, but as long as I give it my best, that’s good enough. Continuing to “TRY” on a daily basis is part of what’s important. If I give up trying, I loose and that to me is NOT an option.
September 30, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist