- The quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc….
This was something I never knew anything about and wanted no part of. I always that humility and humiliation were one of the same. I wanted to always be the center of attention, I wanted people to look upon me with a sense of importance and envy. I wanted them to see a very different “me” than I saw in the mirrior. As a result, by my own admittance, I became the BIGGEST egotistical, self centered, self absorbed individual to walk this earth. Of course, deep down, I felt the total opposite. I had no sense of who I was, I was extremely self loathing and had absolutely no sense of self worth. As long as the outside world didn’t see that, I felt I was fine and I used mas quantities of alcohol to ensure my little secret did not surface. I had to be the center of attention, and if it wasn’t about me, I would make it about me. I was fueled by my pride and my ego. Looking back, I’m ashamed of my attitude and am very surprised that people put up with being around me. I was all about me, me me me me. I cared nothing about the thoughts and feelings of others and if they did not benefit me in any way, I didn’t want to be bothered. To the outside world, I was strong and unaffected by situations that would cause most human beings to be bothered, upset or broken. I was strong and confidant. If only they knew the truth.
I believe I discovered my first real act of humility when I saw the video tape of my last drunk. I had to break and admit I was broken and needed help. As time went by and my sobriety progressed, I found myself almost instinctively caring less of myself, my needs and my wants, and more about opening up and doing for others. When I did something, it had nothing to do with wanting recognition or anything in return, I did it because either I just wanted to, or it was the right thing to do. To my surprise, I also found myself shying away from compliments or acknowledgments. I no longer felt the need to be in the proverbial spotlight so to speak. These changes didn’t
happen over night, but they were very progressive and they seemed to happen without my noticing them. Today I am comfortable in my own skin and find peace and comfort in doing selfless acts for others. I no longer want or need any kind of recognition or praise for simply acting line a human being. I’m living the kind of life I should have been living over twenty years ago before the bottle took hold of me. I’ve joined the human race and have never been more happy or content. It hurts my heart to remember how badly I acted and treated other people back then. I can only learn from the experience and move forward. It may sound kinda crazy, but I find comfort in knowing that my actions were a direct result of my disease and not because I was a bad person by nature. Discovering my humility does not make me a weak person, it’s made me stronger in ways that I can’t seem to put into words. Today I can look in the mirrior and smile at the reflection looking back at me. I can sometimes still be selfish, prideful, and egotistical but I recognize it today and I have the tools to find the “off “ switch, stop it before it starts. Finding my humility has given me the ability to interact with people today in an honest and fulfilling manor. No more masks, games or deceit. I find much enjoyment in genuinely helping others. I learn more and more about who I am with every day that passes and I’m no longer afraid. I’m in kind of a “To be continued” mode….I’ve come a long way, but I still have a ways to go. The one thing I do know for sure is if I loose my humility, I will surely set myself back, that’s something I’m not willing to do.
August 29, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist