Is it really worth it?
One day you suddenly decide you can “handle it now” and decide what the hell. You pour that first one and it sits there looking up at you like an old friend you haven’t seen in years. Soon as it hits your palate, you mouth just seems to come alive and you want to savor that for a moment. You close your eyes and just let it take you for a moment. You’re just holding it in your mouth, tongue pressed to the roof of your mouth like a stopper. You’re thinking to yourself, “Ahhhhh, I’ve missed you….” Suddenly you swallow. It runs down your throat and all of your senses come to life. It burns going down, but it’s a good burn. It warms your insides and you ask yourself, “Why did I ever quit this feeling?” All your problems SEEM to wash away more and more as that shot travels downward into the pit of your soul. For a few seconds that feel more like hours, you savor that taste, that welcoming feeling. When you poured that shot, you convinced yourself you were gonna have just that one and call it a night. Prove to yourself and everyone else that you could control it now. The next thing you know you’re waking up fully clothed, with a killer hangover. Your mouth feels like you been licking “sand pops” and you can’t remember squat after the first few shots. Although your clothes are dry as a bone, you can smell the very distinct and strong smell of urine….Suddenly you realize it’s you. The feeling of projectile vomiting hits you out of nowhere like a battering ram and you dart for the bathroom praying to make it in time. Not even the hottest of showers can wash off the shame and the guilt that begins to wash over you. So what happens? You have another shot or drink and it starts all over again……
Not all relapses are exactly like that, but that’s the gist of it. It doesn’t matter how much time you have sober, you will never be able to drink like a normal person. You will NEVER be able to have just one and quit. Once an Alcoholic, ALWAYS an alcoholic. We will always pick up where we left off..and each time it gets worse. As long as you stay away from that first drink, you’ll be fine. As Alcoholics do we think about it even after quite some time in sobriety??? Yes we do, but as long as it remains a thought you can erase from your thought pattern, and you use the tools you’ve been taught, you’ll never be in any real danger. I’ve spoken to people who had sobriety in double digits who have gone back out after entertaining the “I can do it this time” train of thought. Some came right back in, some stayed out for years. Personally, I can’t fathom being sober that long only to throw it away, but I will never say that it won’t ever happen to me. I have to live in the here and now and just not drink one day at a time. To be very honest with you, the thought of another relapse terrifies me to death. They say you pick up where you left off…My last binge only lasted 9 hours but I had consumed enough alcohol to swell up my face and hands almost to the point of distortion. I can’t tell you what I drank or who much, but I know it was a hell of a lot of booze consumption to make me look like that. Could you imagine if I went back out after not drinking for years???? I truly would drink myself to death, I mean that literally, NOT figuratively. My last relapse SAVED my life by making me see things for the way they actually were and not for the way I saw them….Another relapse would truly end my life.
Yes I still think about it every now and again, but knowing what I know with regard to the consequences that will surely follow, I have to ask myself is it worth taking the risk??? Is taking one shot or drink worth risking my career, my wife & family, all that I have rebuilt over the years and more importantly, am I willing to risk my life that I can do it right this time????? Hell NO it’s not worth it. We all think we’re special at some point, we’re gonna be the ones to prove everyone wrong, we’re gonna be the exception to the rule. Again, there are NO exceptions, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Once we finally get sober, we are given a choice that we did not have before…Once the obsession is removed, we know that we don’t have to drink, so if we do pick back up, it’s a choice. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself, but I can say that I have no intentions on walking back down that road.
If you’re entertaining the thought that you could be the exception, that you could be the one to prove everyone wrong….think about it…Alcoholics have been putting that theory to work for years and have always failed miserably.
August 17, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist