Reality to an alcoholic and or an addict is something we don’t deal with well at all. We make our own which is why we stay sunk in our dark holes. Rather than deal with the actual reality, the bottle allows us to live in the reality we want it to be. By not dealing with situations as they actually are, we stay lost. The bottle (or drug) allows us live in a fantasy world where we don’t have to deal with pain and anything else we don’t want to deal with. The more we drink or use, the less the pain we deal with. What we don’t realize is that by not dealing with the pain and reality of things, it builds up and gets worse. What we don’t realize is that by actually dealing with it, allows us to heal much faster. I was an expert on turning my feelings inward. The only emotion that I had no problem letting out was anger.
In the years that I’ve been sober, I’ve learned quite about about having to deal with my emotions. That does NOT mean I have to like it. All though I do not have the urge to drink anymore, I do still feel the urge to be able to just shove my pain deep inside and not deal with it. However, today I have the knowledge and the tools to know that I can not do that unless of course I want to slowly go backwards. When you start to revert back to your old ways little by little, it WILL end up with you going back to where you were. Then you’re taking the chance of never coming back from it. We always have another relapse in us, we don’t always have another recovery.
If you have any doubts that there are things that can not be handled without the assistance of a bottle, I can tell you from personal experience that it IS possible. Not only is it possible, but it’s possible without much difficulty depending on how strong your program is. I just buried someone who I considered to be one of my kids even though we were not biologically. I had to return home where I had NEVER been sober and where my drinking and drug use ran rampant. I did not have to avoid alcohol and I was even offered my drug of choice which I turned down without even thinking about it.
Would I have been able to do any of it without my program of recovery? Hell to the NO! All it would have taken to set me back four years would have been just ONE drink, JUST ONE and that would have been it. I would have been done for. If there was ever a time when I doubted the program of recovery worked, my doubts went straight out the window I still hate to deal with the reality of it all, but I’ve discovered that I CAN deal with it clean and sober which will make it easier for me to deal with it, heal and maintain the life & blessings that sobriety has given me. The ONLY thing going back out as a result of this tragedy would have done for me is turn me back into the monster that I was. I would have come home and lost everything I’ve built, AND the pain and reality of my loss would still be there in full force. Would drinking and using bring her back? No not at all! What would it have accomplished??? Nothing except reverting the last four years of my life backwards.
Actually dealing with reality is not an easy thing, but in recovery IS definitely a necessary thing if you wish to maintain your sobriety. If you want to lie to yourself and pretend that you’re different than everyone else, you can handle it on your own, have at it, let me know how that works out for you. But if you want a way out of your internal misery, I’m telling you that there IS a way, it CAN be done.
No matter how bad a situation, no matter how painful or stressful it may be, you can accomplish absolutely NOTHING if you pick up that first drink.
July 13, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist