Goodbye

Voice of Recovery from Addiction

IN VERY EARLY SOBRIETY, IT WAS SUGGESTED THAT I WRITE A “GOODBYE” LETTER TO MY ADDICTION TO ALCOHOL.  I THOUGHT IT WAS A STUPID IDEA BUT I DID IT. AS I WROTE IT ALL BECAME REAL TO ME AND MY WORDS BECAME FULL OF PENT UP EMOTION & MEANING.   THIS IS A COPY OF MY ACTUAL LETTER:

 

August 5, 2010

Dear Alcohol;

 

You have been a part of my life for as long as I remember. You were like a member of the family and I can’t remember a time that you weren’t there. Although we hung out on occasion in those early years, we didn’t even begin to get close until my late teens.   It seemed like overnight we became the best of buddies.

You were there for me during the tough times and you helped me through it. I will admit that. You were there to celebrate the good times as well.  We used to while out and go bat shit crazy.  OMG the parties that we used to have.  For the longest time, it was all good. I can’t tell you when, why or how I crossed that imaginary line but I did, and there you were. Your influence was slowly turning me into a monster yet you did such an amazing  job to convince me that together, we could conquer the world.  Was I out of control?  You convinced me that I wasn’t…..Did I have a problem? You convinced me that I didn’t.  You convinced me that we were just “kickin’ it” and there was nothing we couldn’t accomplish as long as we were together. You gave me strength, you gave me confidence, you gave me courage. You gave me all the things I wanted but couldn’t give myself.  That made it so much easier to keep my blinders on and allow you lead me further down the rabbit hole.  After awhile, it got to the point where I didn’t know how to function without you. You had me dead to rights and I had no interest in fighting it because by that time, you created me and I had no clue of who I was and was terrified to even want to know. YOU made it okay to continue, YOU made it possible to live with the things that I was doing, YOU made  everything okay. You were a part of me that I couldn’t get rid of even if I wanted to.  You determined my reality.

Then one day, I got to see in full color the monster that you turned me into. The person I was seeing on the TV screen was not the person YOU lead me to believe I was. Suddenly the blinders were removed and I saw your agenda exactly for what it was…. You not only turned me into a monster, but you were killing me little by little in addition to killing those who care about me the most. It was at that moment that I saw you for the selfish, destructive, manipulator that you are.

I don’t know why it took so long for me to see this and so very much more, but now that I have, it’s time to cut you lose.  You can’t do anything for me that I can’t do for myself. You have me so twisted up inside that I have no clue who the hell I really am, but I’m not afraid to find out anymore.  I can’t undo the damage you helped me cause to others, but I can say  that I can start to heal and become the person I want to be by getting rid of you. You’ve held the reigns of my life for far to long, you’ve had control for far to long, I’m taking it all back.  I don’t at this particular moment, know how  I’m gonna do without you, but I do know that I will figure it out with the help of people who truly care about me.  I’m gonna find my way back no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it may be. I’m gonna fight until you are nothing more to me but a faded, distant memory. I’ve had enough of the life you gave me, it’s time I go find one of my own and THAT’S just what I’m gonna do.  That being said, it is with much happiness and relief that I can finally tell you to kiss my ass!

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