Who you were compared to who you are becoming….
Once you’ve had a few months of thinking with a clear head, you will start to realize some of your own madness and things that you’ve done to hurt the ones around you. Suddenly what I call the “guilt gates” will open up and seem to consume you. This can be a very dangerous thing. Guilt is a very powerful thing and can be just the excuse you need to go back to your old ways. Your disease will come knocking back at your door when your resistance is low and you will more than likely be willing to answer that door unless you realize the following thing…….
Your actions throughout your addiction no matter how bad they may have been, were a direct result of your addiction. You would not have done such disturbing things had you been clean and sober. Would you have? Think about it. In sobriety, you see your mistakes exactly for what they are and although you can not change the things you’ve done, in time, you can change and become the person you were always meant to be. I promise you that in time, those screw ups will become your biggest assets. You will learn from them, you will share your experience, strength and hope with others to show them that they are not alone. You will constantly think of those times and realize that you do not have to be that person ever again.
I’m not proud of some of the things that I’d done during my dark days and when my guilt gates opened wide, I was consumed. I thought to myself, “I’m a piece of sh%t” so why even try?” My sponsor saw that I was struggling and when he saw that I was standing on the edge of the cliff, he said something to me that bounced me back with such force that it took my breath away. It was something very simple, but the impact was mind blowing.
That was all it took to snap me back to where I needed to be. I decided I never wanted to be that monster ever again and I realized that I now had a CHOICE. I didn’t have to go back. I began to use those dark times as examples as to what got me there. I remember all to clearly and I continue to do what I need to do in order to ensure I never go back to that place. Is it easy? NO! But I intend to do whatever I need to do to make sure I work on being the person I’m becoming rather than go back to the person that I was.
In time, you will be able to get the opportunity to make amends to the people that you crapped on, but in order to do that, you MUST accept your actions for what they WERE not what they ARE in your recovery. You have to have worked through them in your own mind, and you must be ready and willing to do so. That comes in time and with work. If you always think of yourself as that same person, you’ll remain that person. Retrain your way of thinking and doing things.
If you continue to LIVE IN THE PAST, that’s where you will stay. You must take that leap of faith and move into the moment, you must be willing to live day by day. Yesterday is gone…it’s over with…Tomorrow isn’t here yet, you only have TODAY to do the next right thing and work on becoming the person you want to be.
June 25, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist