Standing at the cross road…..
When you live you life by the bottle, you live in a constant haze. You see nothing clearly. The choices you make may seem right at the time, but once the fog lifts, you realize they were usually dead wrong. You get to the point where you don’t want to think, you don’t want to feel and you don’t want to even care. All that matters is that next drink. Does it happen over night? No. But it does happen given enough time. Even in a room full of people, you begin to feel completely alone. The people who are closest to you are suddenly beginning to drift away from you one by one. That haze becomes more and more apparent. You wake up feeling like death warmed over, sick to your stomach, you reek of alcohol from the night before. The slightest sounds bother you and the light blinds you.. You swear you’ll never do it again. The minute the sun goes down, you’re off and running again. It’s a vicious cycle that you can’t seem to break.
Usually when you start, it’s all about having fun. You’re at a party or in the club with your peoples just drinking and having a blast. You laugh with your friends about the craziness from the night before and when Sunday comes, you look forward to the following weekend so you can do it again. As time goes on, it becomes a regular thing before you know it. The next thing you know, you’re out of control & everyone sees it but you. Of course you “think” you’re still just “having fun” when in reality you’re not. You will be sucking them down out of actual “Need” after you take that first one. You don’t realize that you CAN’T stop. You will get defensive and swear up and down that you got it under control whenever someone mentions your actions. You will tell them that they do not know what they are talking about and you WILL get offended. Again, if you can relate to anything I’ve said, the chances of you having a problem are quite high but only YOU can determine that and only YOU can decide what to do about it. At this point, you may have even questioned yourself but jumped right back into denial once the fear of reality began too much to bare. I remember doing just that three years before I actually got sober. It’s common, believe me it is. What you are feeling is no different than any other alcoholic’s feelings. The fear of surrender can be earth shattering.
I remember all too well what these things felt like. I also remember the fear that overcame me at the thought of actually needing and seeking help. It was overwhelming to say the least. It’s also a natural feeling. When you get to that point, you can do one of two things. You can give in to your fears and run or you can take a deep breath, realize your life is totally unmanageable and take those first few steps towards sobriety. One decision will kill you, the other will save you…the choice is entirely up to you. I myself stood at that cross road, and for me, it was a no brainer at that point, I wanted to live. Any denial I may have had left went out the window when I saw myself in that video and I knew without a doubt that I already had one foot in the grave and if I didn’t become willing to save my own life, I was surely going to die of my own hands. I may seem very confidant today, but believe me, in the very beginning, I was terrified, unsure, anxious, nervous and yes, even angry. I suddenly saw myself with disgust, disappointment and self loathing yet I still didn’t want to admit I had a problem even though the truth was right in front of me. I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I suddenly felt out of control even though in reality I had been for quite some time. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to face the reality that the pain of today was worse than the fear of tomorrow. It wasn’t until I got to that point, that I realized that I was finally ready to give sobriety a try in spite of my fears and I accepted the fact that I couldn’t do it alone.
That being said, let me ask you….after reading this, where do you stand?
June 18, 2014
AJ Menendez, Master Male Illusionist